Senior Pastor Eternally Demoted to Teaching Junior High After Apologetics in Sermon

Junior High Zombies

With my voice I plead for mercy to Yahweh.” (Psalm 142:1b)

GOLDSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA — Rick Mangold, Senior Pastor of Goldsboro First Baptist Church, just received the single most severe punishment in Baptist history – eternal demotion to teaching junior high Sunday school. His crime? Daring to incorporate apologetics into his Sunday sermon. During sentencing, Mangold confessed, “Yes, I did intentionally include arguments and evidence in my sermon outline. We live in a cultural milieu that is increasingly skeptical of the essential truths of Christianity. I just wanted to equip our members to engage on an intellectual level.”

The board of elders – composed mainly of graying men woefully out of touch with evangelism of any sort – lambasted Mangold for “cultural appeasement,” “advocacy of deceptive human philosophy,” “liberal contextualization,” and, worst of all, “lacking alliteration.”

Some of the congregation strongly opposed what they perceived as an excessive reaction by the board of elders. “I mean, yeah, they should probably address the fact that Pastor Mangold’s sermon was super un-Baptist,” said one junior high student, “but sending him to teach junior high forever? That’s just, like, pure evil.”

Pastor Mangold was last seen calculating the distance between the top of the steeple and the ground.

Evangelist Miraculously Avoids Apologetics for 45 Years

Retired Guy

“Lord, place your apologetics-blocking hedge of protection around me.”

SHREVEPORT, LOUISIANA — “Lots and lots of prayer.” This was the answer given by veteran evangelist Herb O’Connell when asked how he managed to survive 45 years as a local missionary without offering a single defense of the essential truths of Christianity even once. This remarkable achievement is made all the more impressive given O’Connell’s strict regimen of sharing the Gospel with at least 50 lost souls per week. Our faux correspondent caught up with O’Connell at his local congregation’s monthly potluck:

Faux Correspondent (FC): Mr. O’Connell, you have been sharing the Gospel for a remarkably long time in this area. Surely there must have been many people that asked for good reasons or evidence that Christianity is true.

Herb O’Connell (HC): Oh, yes. That’s correct. But, you see, the Lord generously blessed me with the gift of avoiding those particular topics. I’ve developed a whole host of ways to skirt apologetics (I call it the A-word!) altogether. Rapid topic change, rambling anecdotes, bathroom breaks, pointing and yelling “Look!” – these are just a few of the techniques in my toolbox and I have them ready as soon as I step through that door. I also pray in the car beforehand that the Lord would make my divine appointments evidence-free. I think my longevity demonstrates my method’s effectiveness.

FC: Demonstrates? As in, “serves as evidence in favor of”?

HC: Have you tried my wife’s casserole? I’ll tell you about how she came by that recipe when I get back from the men’s room. Look!

Redshirt Apologist Violates Prime Directive, Feeds the Trolls


“Just spent 7 hours talking about the difference between Spiderman and Jesus. He’s totally about to bend the knee to Christ.”

BERKLEY, CA — Tragedy cast a dark pall over the Federation last Thursday as crew members gathered in remembrance of a young Christian apologist recruit who purportedly violated the prime directive to never feed the trolls. An investigation is currently under way to determine whether the fresh-out-of-the-Academy servicemember was mentally incompetent or willfully stupid. Ambassador Clinton Wilcox released the following statement on behalf of the Federation:

“It is with great sadness that we must all now confront the reality and great consequences of troll-feeding. The late recruit had the same training as everyone else – hours upon hours of Facebook and Reddit playback illustrating the vortex of pointlessness into which many predecessors had been lured. He may have been wearing a red shirt, but several signs indicate that his choice to ignore the prime directive was not coerced. While the investigation is ongoing, we can say with confidence that the troll was tossing out a trail of irrelevant and insincere comments, all of which are readily found in the apologist’s field manual. We sincerely hope that this avoidable loss serves as reinforcement of the importance and great wisdom of the prime directive.”

Charismatic Congregation Mistakes Apologetics for Gift of Tongues

Pentacostal Church

“Hubba-Bubba, multiple early independent attestation, Coca-Cola, Wumbabaloo!”

GARY, INDIANA — Congregants at Gary Assemblies of God (GAG) accidentally caught a special movement of the Holy Spirit last Sunday when guest speaker and itinerant apologist Hank Jurek was invited to speak on Christian evidences. Having never heard such foreign content from the pulpit, members naturally assumed Jurek was speaking in tongues (though some thought it was demon possession).

One awestruck woman said, “You should have heard him. I have no idea what he was saying (our interpreter was at home recovering from a brutal Spirit-slaying), but hearing a manifestation of the Spirit through Mr. Jurek was just beautiful.”

When asked about the confusion, Jurek responded, “Yeah, I’ve had some pretty interesting reactions to the lecture in the past – mostly scoffing and shoulder shrugging – but definitely nothing resembling epileptic seizures or the dancing of Bill Cosby.”

DEA Accidentally Uses Koukl’s “Tactics”, Destroys Massive Drug Ring

DEA arrest

“Columbian. Columbo. They sound pretty much the same.”

SPRINGFIELD, VA — Mission planning for a recent sting operation was surprisingly effective for the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) last weekend, when a shipment of field manuals was accidentally replaced by copies of Greg Koukl’s popular apologetics book Tactics. Having mastered the conversational tools in Koukl’s book, agents employed a series of incisive questions that left cartel members mentally disarmed and easily apprehended.

We asked one drug lord why he surrendered to the authorities. In humble tones, he said “One moment I was holding an AK-47, yelling at the agents that they’d never take me alive. Then I heard one of them over the megaphone ask “How did you come to that conclusion?” I never really thought about it until then, but it opened my eyes to a lot of what I had been presupposing, which in turn allowed me to question some of my own basic assumptions and start to see things from their perspective.”

Not only was the sting a material success, yielding more than $2.3 billion (US) worth of market-ready narcotics and destroying the drug ring at its source, but it was also a remarkable spiritual success in which several dozen cartel members reported either shifting to seriously questioning atheism or becoming full-fledged converts to Christianity. There is currently no word on whether the DEA is considering Koukl’s book for a permanent replacement to its standard field manuals.

You’ll Never Believe What Dan Brown Writes About Pentecost in New Novel…


And, behold, the Almighty had booped them all on the head.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In his latest fictional non-fiction novel, Dan Brown has again crafted what will prove to be another record-breaking book and blockbuster movie combination. In his latest rewrite of history, The Pentecost Conspiracy, Brown again turns tradition on its ear. This time, action centers around a modern day discovery of ancient documents produced and preserved by the ultra-secret Societe´ Speculaire. These documents, found under bourbon barrels in a Kentucky Trappist monastery, contain almost verbatim narrative of the conversation held by discouraged followers of Jesus at the evening meeting known as Pentecost. The story’s excitement builds as the Kentucky monks attempt to contain the secrets about Pentecost from a shifty yet brilliant archeological sleuth.

Bit by bit, the Pentecost Conspiracy reveals that the evening collaboration long ago was in fact a strategy session to conceal the fact that Jesus was an ordinary man who was never really seen after his death. Central to the plan was the inclusion of multiple martyrdom accounts for each of the apostles to demonstrate that all would die rather than recant the “truth”. To make it hard to trace the facts, each of the conspiracists would travel to a different (in some cases several) distant point of the known world. At any cost, the apostles would strive to feign persecution to death in such a remarkably fantastic way that the story would both spread widely and also be somewhat doubted. The hidden ancient documents record Peter cleverly suggesting, “If we make the martyr stories seem made up, no one will believe they were made up.” As Thomas added “The quickest way to cause people to doubt is to make it seem like a ‘slam dunk’, a little quirkiness goes a long way.”

Dan Brown has done it again. Without spoiling the ending, Brown is powerfully effective at virtually obscuring his storyline by emphasizing ground-breaking, but factually non-factual, overturnings of foundational Christian beliefs. He is, as usual, most masterful at blurring fiction into fact whilst declaring the preponderance of fact as hyperbole. Oscar alert!


Satire aside…one of the often-heard criticisms against accounts of the resurrection of Jesus is that the eyewitness accounts are part of an elaborate but transparent conspiracy. The theory goes that the dejected following of Jesus were so desperate to keep his legacy alive they fabricated a story that he had risen from the dead. The group, as the story goes, first relocated the body of Jesus from his tomb to a never discovered grave, elicited dozens of false witnesses to testify in detail that they found the tomb empty, and enlisted the support of hundreds of various people over several weeks to report sighting and encounters with the resurrected Jesus. Most amazing, even in the face of persecution from both the Jewish and Roman authorities, none of these conspirators ever went back on their story to save themselves from hostility and the possibility of execution. They were not conspirators. They were witnesses of a risen Lord and Savior.

As Biola University Professor of Apologetics Dr. Sean MacDowell writes in his book The Fate of the Apostles, Examining the Martyrdom Accounts of the Closest Followers of Jesus, the apostles and other early believers were well aware of the ancient tradition that prophets could suffer, even die, for their faith. Jesus in fact told his followers they would be the victims of persecution. Secular history records that this in fact did happen on a scale that would have made everyone aware of the risk of continuing to proclaim the resurrection of Jesus. The resurrection accounts and persecution that followed the crucifixion were not a constructed conspiratorial rouse but were the outflowing of the heartfelt, Spirit-led conviction of the first Christians in spite of likely persecution. Undoubtedly some of the martyr accounts were later exaggerated by the over zealous or unscrupulous centuries later. This does not take away from the demonstrated conviction displayed by the Apostles as they preached the resurrection of Jesus. They demonstrated their faith in our risen Lord even as it threatened their own lives.

Guest Contributor: Fred Schlich