TALLINN, ESTONIA — Wednesday marked the 45th annual Global Convention of Ancient History (GCAH). Academics from the highest echelons of the field revealed a list of figures from ancient (and not so ancient) history that, despite having passed almost all known criteria of historicity, were nevertheless non-existent. In a candid moment, Dr. Charles Hedgecutter of the Institute For The-Most-Objective-Historical-Studies-In-The-Universe revealed, “Jesus and many other personalities from antiquity had excelled sublimely in passing the vigorous trials necessary for historical verification. But it has become incumbent for the professional historian to eschew the conclusions of these studies, especially those pertaining to the Jesus character. Cuz, you know… naturalism.”
Not wanting their reputation for consistency to be tarnished, the specialists have issued a list of other ancient (and not so ancient) persons that pass the criteria of historicity, but whom they are decidedly non-existencifying, including the following:
Plato, Homer (the author), Alexander the Great, The Beastie Boys, Confucius, Buddha, Anyone “Living” In Scandinavia before 800 AD (like the “vikings”), Hammurabi, Spartacus, Zoroaster, Christopher Columbus, Seal Team 6, William Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, Mozart, George Washington, Vincent Van Gogh, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, Nicholas Cage, Tardar Sauce (aka Grumpy Cat), and Jaleel White.
The GCAH just issued a second list of ancient people that definitely are 100% NOT fictional, including the following:
Charles Darwin, David Hume, and James Randi.