SPECIAL REPORT: What Do Apologists Eat?

Louis CK The Meal

SEASIDE, CALIFORNIA — Those of you familiar with the realm of apologetics may know the biggest names in the field, their arguments, their debates, and the evolution of their thoughts over time.  But we here at Fauxpologetics are betting that you are unfamiliar with one important facet of the life of apologists: What they eat.  We have emailed several apologists from a variety of different disciplines in order to shed light on the mysteries of these brainiacs’ diets.  The email contained one simple question: “What do you normally eat?”

Cosmology apologist: “I like to start my day with a few slices of star fruit, some aged dates (some people think young is better, but definitely older is better than younger when it comes to dates), and a bowl of “Kaboom!” cereal.”

Fine-Tuning apologist: “The dietary requirements necessary for the sustaining of interactive, intelligent life must fall within a range of nourishment so finely-tuned that to say they are balanced on a razor’s edge would be an astronomical understatement… which is why I eat mainly Chinese food.”

Morality apologist: “To be honest, I can’t even shop at most grocery stores anymore.  Do you have any idea how unethical their whole process is?  It is an objective moral duty for man to be a good steward of the earth’s resources, so I either grow my own organic, environmentally responsible food or special order it from a grocer in Punta Diamante, Chile – they mail food products with minimal packaging (actually, no packaging) to reduce their carbon footprint.”

Historical apologist: “I spend most of my time studying the literature of the first century, so I really only know how to make stuff Jesus would have eaten, like stewed lentils, dried fruit, barley cakes, and pickled vegetables.  But most importantly, I have mastered ancient recipes for first century beer and wine.  Sweet mother.  Couldn’t even touch the food without something glorious to wash it down.”

Pious apologist: “What do I normally eat?  A steady diet of God’s word.” (At 350 lbs., we’re pretty sure he’s sneaking in some prosperity gospel, too.)

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