OXFORD, ENGLAND – The traditional definition of atheism was always “the claim or belief that no god or gods exist.” After years of intellectual spankings, the godless aristocracy – cross-armed and pouty-lipped – engaged in some linguistic slight-of-hand, insisting that the true definition of atheism is “the lack of a belief in a god or gods.” This seems to have been very effective.
Following suit, the super-secret cabal of theists that control the narrative of global religious discourse has recently unveiled the newest, super-sleek version of the term “theism.” What follows is the memo that was issued to the cabal’s various sleeper cells and distributed via clandestine backchannels:
To the faithful,
May the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omnibenevolent, self-sufficient God bless you in your continued service to the work which is veiled from the eyes of the godless. It is our distinct pleasure to present to you yet another powerful tool with which you may defeat the machinations of the enemies of the Holy One. Effectively (sic) immediately, all God-affirming people will use the following definition:
the·ism /THēˌizəm/ – The lack of an absence of belief from the set of beliefs which is devoid of the proposition that there is nowhere to be found the inexistent omission of another proposition vacant of the claim that God does not not not not not not not not not exist.