OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI (ironically) — After 100 straight days of touring the American South debating pastors, bishops, ministers, seminarians, “prophets,” and other people generally unprepared to defend their Christian faith, Pritchard Hawkins has contracted an incurable case of Southern drawl. The evolutionary biologist originally from England was seen repeating the word “ya’ll”, each time bringing his hands to his mouth as if to stop some hemorrhaging.
Physicians have estimated that with the loss of his inherently authoritative British accent, Hawkins only has about 3% credibility remaining. Worried that he might succumb to complete argument failure, specialists have advised that Hawkins avoid debating Christian apologists by any means necessary. Some have suggested simply retiring quietly from public view. Others have taken a more pragmatic approach, prescribing a light schedule of lectures to friendly audiences. Still others have argued for more aggressive treatment, endorsing heavy doses of ad hominem and a strict regimen of debate dodging.
After the most recent debate, audience members could be overheard saying things such as “Why anyone took him seriously to begin with is a mystery,” and “Worst arguments in the history of arguments.” Friends and family members are emptying their accounts to send crates of Downton Abbey DVDs to Hawkins in an attempt to restore his epidermal intellectualism.