Senior Pastor Eternally Demoted to Teaching Junior High After Apologetics in Sermon

Junior High Zombies

With my voice I plead for mercy to Yahweh.” (Psalm 142:1b)

GOLDSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA — Rick Mangold, Senior Pastor of Goldsboro First Baptist Church, just received the single most severe punishment in Baptist history – eternal demotion to teaching junior high Sunday school. His crime? Daring to incorporate apologetics into his Sunday sermon. During sentencing, Mangold confessed, “Yes, I did intentionally include arguments and evidence in my sermon outline. We live in a cultural milieu that is increasingly skeptical of the essential truths of Christianity. I just wanted to equip our members to engage on an intellectual level.”

The board of elders – composed mainly of graying men woefully out of touch with evangelism of any sort – lambasted Mangold for “cultural appeasement,” “advocacy of deceptive human philosophy,” “liberal contextualization,” and, worst of all, “lacking alliteration.”

Some of the congregation strongly opposed what they perceived as an excessive reaction by the board of elders. “I mean, yeah, they should probably address the fact that Pastor Mangold’s sermon was super un-Baptist,” said one junior high student, “but sending him to teach junior high forever? That’s just, like, pure evil.”

Pastor Mangold was last seen calculating the distance between the top of the steeple and the ground.

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