Apologists on the Church Payroll: A Heresy Too Far

“I can’t believe they got rid of the dead goldfish memorial fund…”

SAVANNAH, GEORGIA — A medium-sized conservative Baptist church was recently rocked by the discovery that an apologist had been on the payroll for several weeks. Margie Hinklebottom, the church secretary, found the sneaky villain’s employment paperwork in a strange manila file partially labeled “… with all your mind.” Upon hearing of the devilry, the leadership immediately launched a Church Internal Affairs (CIA) investigation into how exactly such a heretical heresy could have infected their righteous congregation.

The church pastor issued the following statement:

We are saddened by this recent information and are doing everything in our power to restore some order to the chaos that has beset our flock. To that end, we are immediately removing the apolo-… apolo-… (What’s he called again?… An apologist?… What the heck’s he apologizin’ for?…) Anywho, we’re taking care of it.

The apologist, with the Bible verse 1 Peter 3:15 disgustingly tattooed on his arm, was last seen walking to his car with a gleam in his eye that said he was down for some hardcore evidence talk. The nerve.

Ontological Argument 100% Effective With Amazon Tribe

They're all about that possible worlds semantics

They’re all about that possible worlds semantics

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — The recent evangelization of a tribe of previously-uncontacted Amazon natives has yielded a most puzzling discovery: the ontological argument is 100% effective in converting the tribespeople to Christianity. Charles Lambert, a missionary trained in Christian apologetics, had recently finished Alvin Plantinga’s The Nature of Necessity (1974) and incorporated the argument into his gospel presentation on a whim. “You know,” remarks Lambert, “there was just something in their eyes that told me they would connect with an argument consisting of purely analytic, a priori premises.”

Anthropologist and linguistic expert Paul Townshend has investigated the unexpected success of the abstruse argument in order to understand the reason for its completely surprising results. Townshend concludes, “Apparently, notions of necessity, maximally great being, and possible worlds are all very intuitive – even simple – for these primitive people. Quite curious considering their language only possesses 47 words.”

The success has missions groups racing to dusty bookstores and weird uncles’ houses in search of Plantinga’s book.

“Atheism” was redefined. Now, meet the new “theism.”

Definition

OXFORD, ENGLAND – The traditional definition of atheism was always “the claim or belief that no god or gods exist.” After years of intellectual spankings, the godless aristocracy – cross-armed and pouty-lipped – engaged in some linguistic slight-of-hand, insisting that the true definition of atheism is “the lack of a belief in a god or gods.” This seems to have been very effective.

Following suit, the super-secret cabal of theists that control the narrative of global religious discourse has recently unveiled the newest, super-sleek version of the term “theism.” What follows is the memo that was issued to the cabal’s various sleeper cells and distributed via clandestine backchannels:

To the faithful,

May the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omnibenevolent, self-sufficient God bless you in your continued service to the work which is veiled from the eyes of the godless. It is our distinct pleasure to present to you yet another powerful tool with which you may defeat the machinations of the enemies of the Holy One. Effectively (sic) immediately, all God-affirming people will use the following definition:

the·ism /THēˌizəm/ – The lack of an absence of belief from the set of beliefs which is devoid of the proposition that there is nowhere to be found the inexistent omission of another proposition vacant of the claim that God does not not not not not not not not not exist.

Yours,

The Cabal

“Magical Thinking”

Magic

Lightning fingers are hard on the cuticles…

Atheists often accuse us Christians of invoking “magic” or of engaging in “magical thinking.” But atheists have said some pretty “magical” things themselves. Here’s a little sampling:

“[The Universe created itself in] the ultimate bootstrapping trick.” – Daniel Dennett, atheist philosopher

“Nothing is not nothing. Nothing is something.” – Lawrence Krauss, atheist theoretical physicist

“Because there is a law like gravity, the universe can and will create itself out of nothing.” – Stephen Hawking, atheist cosmologist

What is the difference between right and wrong, good and bad? There is no moral difference between them.” – Alex Rosenberg, atheist philosopher

“The only serious question in life is whether to kill yourself or not.” – Albert Camus, atheist philosopher

“If civilization had been left in female hands, we would still be living in grass huts.” – Camille Paglia, atheist professor

“It could be that at some earlier time, somewhere in the universe, a civilization… designed a form of life that they, perhaps, seeded onto this planet.” – Richard Dawkins, atheist biologist

I’ve heard that Dawkins charges some exorbitant amounts of money for private audiences. But it looks like for the cost of admission one can get a lecture on evolutionary biology and aliens. If you’re thinking of hiring him, though, be warned: he may bring along his pal Lawrence Krauss, who tends to make a lot of something out of nothing.

SPECIAL REPORT: What Do Apologists Eat?

Louis CK The Meal

SEASIDE, CALIFORNIA — Those of you familiar with the realm of apologetics may know the biggest names in the field, their arguments, their debates, and the evolution of their thoughts over time.  But we here at Fauxpologetics are betting that you are unfamiliar with one important facet of the life of apologists: What they eat.  We have emailed several apologists from a variety of different disciplines in order to shed light on the mysteries of these brainiacs’ diets.  The email contained one simple question: “What do you normally eat?”

Cosmology apologist: “I like to start my day with a few slices of star fruit, some aged dates (some people think young is better, but definitely older is better than younger when it comes to dates), and a bowl of “Kaboom!” cereal.”

Fine-Tuning apologist: “The dietary requirements necessary for the sustaining of interactive, intelligent life must fall within a range of nourishment so finely-tuned that to say they are balanced on a razor’s edge would be an astronomical understatement… which is why I eat mainly Chinese food.”

Morality apologist: “To be honest, I can’t even shop at most grocery stores anymore.  Do you have any idea how unethical their whole process is?  It is an objective moral duty for man to be a good steward of the earth’s resources, so I either grow my own organic, environmentally responsible food or special order it from a grocer in Punta Diamante, Chile – they mail food products with minimal packaging (actually, no packaging) to reduce their carbon footprint.”

Historical apologist: “I spend most of my time studying the literature of the first century, so I really only know how to make stuff Jesus would have eaten, like stewed lentils, dried fruit, barley cakes, and pickled vegetables.  But most importantly, I have mastered ancient recipes for first century beer and wine.  Sweet mother.  Couldn’t even touch the food without something glorious to wash it down.”

Pious apologist: “What do I normally eat?  A steady diet of God’s word.” (At 350 lbs., we’re pretty sure he’s sneaking in some prosperity gospel, too.)

“Extremely High Degree Of Certainty” By Historians No Longer Sufficient: Jesus And Other Fictional Characters We’re Letting Go In 2015

Historians issue list of now-debunked historical figures

Historians issue list of now-debunked historical figures

TALLINN, ESTONIA — Wednesday marked the 45th annual Global Convention of Ancient History (GCAH).  Academics from the highest echelons of the field revealed a list of figures from ancient (and not so ancient) history that, despite having passed almost all known criteria of historicity, were nevertheless non-existent.  In a candid moment, Dr. Charles Hedgecutter of the Institute For The-Most-Objective-Historical-Studies-In-The-Universe revealed, “Jesus and many other personalities from antiquity had excelled sublimely in passing the vigorous trials necessary for historical verification.  But it has become incumbent for the professional historian to eschew the conclusions of these studies, especially those pertaining to the Jesus character.  Cuz, you know… naturalism.”

Not wanting their reputation for consistency to be tarnished, the specialists have issued a list of other ancient (and not so ancient) persons that pass the criteria of historicity, but whom they are decidedly non-existencifying, including the following:

Plato, Homer (the author), Alexander the Great, The Beastie Boys, Confucius, Buddha, Anyone “Living” In Scandinavia before 800 AD (like the “vikings”), Hammurabi, Spartacus, Zoroaster, Christopher Columbus, Seal Team 6, William Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, Mozart, George Washington, Vincent Van Gogh, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, Nicholas Cage, Tardar Sauce (aka Grumpy Cat), and Jaleel White.

EDITOR’S NOTE

The GCAH just issued a second list of ancient people that definitely are 100% NOT fictional, including the following:

Charles Darwin, David Hume, and James Randi.