Tag Archives: church

Charismatic Congregation Mistakes Apologetics for Gift of Tongues

Pentacostal Church

“Hubba-Bubba, multiple early independent attestation, Coca-Cola, Wumbabaloo!”

GARY, INDIANA — Congregants at Gary Assemblies of God (GAG) accidentally caught a special movement of the Holy Spirit last Sunday when guest speaker and itinerant apologist Hank Jurek was invited to speak on Christian evidences. Having never heard such foreign content from the pulpit, members naturally assumed Jurek was speaking in tongues (though some thought it was demon possession).

One awestruck woman said, “You should have heard him. I have no idea what he was saying (our interpreter was at home recovering from a brutal Spirit-slaying), but hearing a manifestation of the Spirit through Mr. Jurek was just beautiful.”

When asked about the confusion, Jurek responded, “Yeah, I’ve had some pretty interesting reactions to the lecture in the past – mostly scoffing and shoulder shrugging – but definitely nothing resembling epileptic seizures or the dancing of Bill Cosby.”

Apologists on the Church Payroll: A Heresy Too Far

“I can’t believe they got rid of the dead goldfish memorial fund…”

SAVANNAH, GEORGIA — A medium-sized conservative Baptist church was recently rocked by the discovery that an apologist had been on the payroll for several weeks. Margie Hinklebottom, the church secretary, found the sneaky villain’s employment paperwork in a strange manila file partially labeled “… with all your mind.” Upon hearing of the devilry, the leadership immediately launched a Church Internal Affairs (CIA) investigation into how exactly such a heretical heresy could have infected their righteous congregation.

The church pastor issued the following statement:

We are saddened by this recent information and are doing everything in our power to restore some order to the chaos that has beset our flock. To that end, we are immediately removing the apolo-… apolo-… (What’s he called again?… An apologist?… What the heck’s he apologizin’ for?…) Anywho, we’re taking care of it.

The apologist, with the Bible verse 1 Peter 3:15 disgustingly tattooed on his arm, was last seen walking to his car with a gleam in his eye that said he was down for some hardcore evidence talk. The nerve.